Sex with Hegel
Abstract:
This text is based on my practical experience as a psychologist focused on couples therapy in Berlin with intercultural couples in often open relationships, developing theoretical references - the particular is generalized in order to test the general in practice. The text, therefore, not only touches on theory but also opens up very practical questions. (cf. Marx, Theses on Feuerbach).
Many people, especially from the LGBTQ+ community, come to Berlin because they can live out their sexuality more freely here and develop new ways of life and life contexts. The previous couples therapy, therefore, still seems to be highly relevant with the psychoanalytic fundamental work of Jörg Willi but it must be adapted to new ways of life and developed even further. A hasty pathologization of diverse ways of life ignores the reality of many people and must be reconsidered. This is why a return to Freud's concept of perversion or a look ahead to Volkmar Sigusch's concept of perversion is also necessary, who concludes that there are as many sexualities in the world as there are people and that the only distinction from pathology is non-consensual.
Introduction
In the history of philosophy, much has been written over the centuries about the concept of freedom and the concept of dialectics as well. How can the great German philosophers help us to better understand the relationship between couples?
Hegel's writings can certainly be enriching because he thought about the act of thinking, for example, even if this exercise is quite a luxury, because we already think like that. However, Hegel's work can be understood in part in an affirmative way, because he assumed that thinking is only a way of rediscovering the reason that rules the world (Hegel, 1827). In other words, the situation could be understood as follows: because there is external reality with its respective structures, is it also reasonable?
The institution of marriage has now existed for centuries but we should also be permitted to pose the question: does that make it sensible? Monogamy has been the norm for centuries but does that make it sensible?
Even Freud had already gone one step further in his topographical model of superego, ego, and id and assumed that the subject is reluctant to recognize external reality as such due to drives or norms and morals and instead is in constant conflict between the forces. Anna Freud explored this issue further in her writings on the ego and defense mechanisms.
The mere fact that there are norms and rules in the world does not make them right. Heenen-Wolf recently stated that "classical psychoanalytic theory [...] is no longer adequate for conceptualizing new contemporary forms of psychosexual reality" (Heenen-Wolf, 2018, p. 13). She elaborates how a normative understanding permeates psychoanalytic theory formation and concepts must, therefore, be adapted to the diversity of sexualities. For instance, she addresses the now outdated normativity of the opposite pair of active and passive, with the former being attributed to men and the latter to women owing to the fact that there is someone who penetrates and someone who is penetrated (Heenen-Wolf, 2018, p. 25). Concepts of penis envy are also entwined around a deficient construction of the "feminine," whatever that might mean. Norms that permeate our entire lives and thus also psychoanalysis have a significant influence on our self-image, on the way we relate to others and on how we think about ourselves and others.
If monogamy has been the normative way of life so far, then why are so many people temporarily or permanently on a vacation from monogamy (cf. Schott, 2014). If one partner in a relationship cheats, it is not called polygamy or even the end of monogamy. Even if singles have several sexual contacts at the same time, they are by no means polygamous but are just taking a vacation from monogamy. These are already some "contradictions that lie in reality" (Adorno, 2019, p. 23) and, therefore, an attempt should definitely be made based on the Hegelian dialectic to understand them or, as the case may be, to develop a different perspective in a sexually enlightened way.
How can dialectics help people living in new kinds of relationships?
How can a philosophical debate about freedom be applied to a couple's relationship?
The freedom of the individual is opposed to the freedom of others. So if the freedom of the individual is the thesis, then the freedom of others is the antithesis.
The freedom of the individual where the freedom of others begins. What is needed is an understanding about this without any legal conditions attached.
According to Hegel, the abolition of this contradiction takes place in the state; in a couple's relationship, the synthesis simply means negotiating and establishing relationship agreements.
The state certainly does have a considerable interest in a couple's relationship, as is illustrated by the legal framework for marriage, divorce, maternity protection and child protection. However, the following will be about the agreements, the synthesis of the freedom of the individual or the freedom of others, that couples impose upon themselves. Dialectics is, therefore, to be understood in its original Greek meaning as dialogos - as exchange (dia = between, logos = the words).
Feudalism or Égalité
If the couple's relationship functions like a kingdom and feudal structures are re-enacted, then there are two kings, in whatever constellation. The abundance of films and series about the upper nobility symbolize a great longing and dream of having a kingdom of one’s own. This makes it clear that there is a hierarchy in the kingdom, because the others are usually mistresses or favorites who are far less likely to get their chance. Special power dynamics develop in particular in relationships in which the partners emulate Henry VIII or Catherine the Great. The asymmetry in the relationship is made clear by the fact that only one partner is able to live out his or her sexuality beyond the relationship and the other partner faces punishment if equality is desired.
Presumably, the advantage of feudalism is that it protects the intimacy of the royal couple. However, the isolation and protectionism of the royal couple can even go so far that there can be no sex outside of marriage or only one-night stands, because extramarital relationships are seen as too threatening for the royal couple.
If you look at feudalism as one pole on a continuum, then the other pole is the Égalité of the French Enlightenment, in which there is no hierarchy, but everyone can relate to each other on an equal footing. This anarchy does not have to lead to chaos but can mean a respectful coexistence of long-term relationships, affairs or one-night stands.
Couples often strive to re-enact earlier experiences from their own families, because nothing reminds us of our own family as much as a couple's relationship (Willi, 1975). This is why a non-hierarchical, rather egalitarian relationship constellation is much more difficult to maintain, because where would courage come from?
Don’t ask – Don’t tell ! versus: Sharing is caring !?
One of the agreements that couples make can certainly be: don't ask, don't tell or sharing is caring. In principle, the desire for control is certainly noticeable in this context. If you know everything, then nothing bad can happen. Or what I don't know doesn't bother me. Many couples want to know very well what, when and with whom their partner is doing something, because this gives them the feeling that they still have everything under control. No way is better than the other here, because different sensitivities have to be balanced.
Right Timing !?
One of the agreements can revolve around boundaries. Setting boundaries is a difficult task for many people and negotiating them is just as difficult. If both partners live together but one of them is constantly checking their social media channels with dating apps, WhatsApp, Instagram, etc., then this can trigger anger in the other person. For many people, there is a natural feeling of how much time they want to spend with the other person, and how and how intensely. Here, too, the partners often sense what a good time frame is and what is too much for them.
Space! Zu mir oder zu dir? I need some space for myself! At my place or yours?
In his film "Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter", director Kim Ki Duk has the wise monk say: "What you like, others like too." This does not necessarily mean an invitation to the home of the couple to share a nest. The question here is how everything will work out in practice, will they go to parties or other people's rooms, will they live separately or will they share a nest? Will dating only take place outside the shared apartment or will everyone already be living in their own homes?
Reproduction !?
When children enter into the mix, then everything becomes more complicated because it is about creating a stable framework. "30 percent of all Berlin households consist of single parents with underage children. Of a total of almost 100,000 single parents, almost 90,000 are women." (Senate Department for Health, Care and Equality), so it is not surprising that single women face particular challenges in organizing their love life.
When can dating take place between work, children, household, friends and family? "A central problem of the idea of freedom is the relationship between the external and self-determination, or between objective determination by social conditions and subjective determination in these conditions or through these conditions" (Markard, 2003).
Since reproductive work often falls to women, the question here is how the relationships they are placed in contribute to increasing their "control over their own and thus social living conditions" (Markard, 2003). How can consideration be shown in love relationships, how can responsibility be assumed, especially socially?
The article in the Magazine for Sexuality and Politics by Anda Wurst on the shared parenting model describes a way out of the isolation of single mothers. Alternative living models are also an option and online dating is certainly an option, but this does not provide enough relief for the disadvantages that women are exposed to. There are also couples in open relationships who live together and share child-rearing but this still remains the exception.
Summing Things Up
This text was a response to the social dynamics at play in Berlin and other cities around the world where the web of relationships has gotten out of hand. People have not yet found their sweetheart or have entered into strategic partnerships and have thus moved away from their original desire to find their soulmate so to speak. This painful process underlies the dating scene in Berlin and can only lead to further pathologization. Healing relationships is only possible when couples manage to dissolve their strategic and calculating partnerships and go in search of their sweetheart. Hostility dominates relationships in the cities too much and it is unbearable to hear these stories.
Image: Unsplash: Jeison Higuita 2024
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